Fatherhood – Being the Best Father You Can Be

Posted by: Asa Don Brown on February 7, 2014 4:13 pm
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“Fatherhood is a very natural thing; it’s not something that shakes up my life but rather enriches it.”
~ Andrea Bocelli

Today’s culture is making it easier and easier to be a “father.”  While children continue to be neglected, research is showing that there is an incline in the number of fathers who are actively participating in the lives of children. Moreover, there has been a significant “…increase in programs designed to promote involved and responsible fatherhood.” (Perry, 2012,  Online)

As a father, I have discovered my lifelong calling is, “fatherhood.”  Fatherhood is essentially the willingness to treat with protective care and in a nurturing manner.  It is fatherhood that allows the male in the relationship to join together with his partner and become “the father”.  A father is more than having the ability to impregnate a women, rather a father is the person who provides support, care, and an unconditional environment.

As men, we are not equipped to bear children, yet we are naturally designed to be fathers.  It is recognizing and accepting the role of fatherhood, that enables a man to begin becoming a father.  Our limitations, reservations, and fears of fatherhood, are frequently the uncertainties and insecurities associated with failure . What if I fail as a father?  So what, pull yourself up by your bootstraps and move forward.  Do not hesitate or fear asking for advice.   Asking for advice is not an indication that you are weak, rather that you are strong in your willingness to ask for help.

After all, fatherhood is the greatest education a man can ever receive.  As a father, you not only have an opportunity to learn more about yourself, but about the world around you.  A child’s constant questioning and inquiry of life, offers a father an unique opportunity and the privilege for growth.

ACTIVE LISTENING

“It is a wise father that knows his own child.”
~ William Shakespeare

As a father, we need to actively listen.  Active listening is the ability, the skill, technique, or an inherent trait whereby, a person is purposefully and intentionally focusing on the communications being sent by another person or persons.  An active listener not only listens and receives an intended message, but is capable of paraphrasing what messages he or she has received back to the communicator.  An active listener recognizes that not all communication is verbally spoken, but is often communicated through verbal and nonverbal transmissions.  It entails good physical posture, gestures, and purposeful eye contact.

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*The views expressed by our authors are personal opinions and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CCPA

The Effects of Eating Disorders

Posted by: Asa Don Brown on December 6, 2013 12:02 pm
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“Rivers know this: there is no hurry. We shall get there some day.”
~ A. A. Milne

Eating is a natural and an essential part of life.  The function of food is to nourish the body, but was created to be enjoyed by human beings, as well.  For many, few thoughts are more exaggerated or obsessed, than those who struggle with eating disorders.  An eating disorder cannot only consume your every thought, but it can, and often does, consume your very existence.  You become a prisoner of your own thoughts, and are robbed of many of the joys of everyday living.

As a clinician, I have worked with many who have struggled with eating disorders and disordered eating.  Eating disorders can be defined as disorders that are characterized by abnormal or disturbed eating habits.  “An eating disorder is a collection of interrelated eating habits, weight management practices and attitudes about food, weight and body shape that have become disordered… This disordered eating behavior is usually an effort to solve a variety of emotional difficulties about which the individual feels out of control. Males and females of all social and economic classes, races and intelligence levels can develop an eating disorder.” (PBS, Online, 2013)   Hollywood perpetuates many of these distorted ideals by placing a high value on vanity and perfection. Teenagers are especially impacted by these unrealistic standards, and are daunted by societal pressures to the point of self-sabotage and self-abuse. Unfortunately, in the case of eating disorders and disordered eating, food is the weapon of choice and the individual is the victim of faulty beliefs generated by himself/herself.

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5) has three primary classifications for eating disorders, they are:   Anorexia Nervosa, Binge Eating, and Bulmia Nervosa.

The DSM-5 has defined the primary types and symptoms of eating disorders as being:

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*The views expressed by our authors are personal opinions and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CCPA

The Effects of Belittling

Posted by: Asa Don Brown on September 27, 2013 4:03 pm
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“A strong man cannot help a weaker unless the weaker is willing to be helped, and even then the weak man must become strong of himself; he must, by his own efforts, develop the strength which he admires in another. None but himself can alter his condition.”            ~ James Allen

We most commonly associate abuse with sexual and physical deeds.  Rarely do we consider the ramifications that psychological and emotional abuse can have on the life of another.  “It may be the most common kind of child abuse — and the most challenging to deal with. But psychological abuse, or emotional abuse, rarely gets the kind of attention that sexual or physical abuse receives.” (Blue, 2012, Online)

Psychological and emotional abuse are most commonly associated with intentional or grave harm, but psychological and emotional abuse can be as sneaky as a snake.  If you consider the emotional upheaval that occurs within a person’s being when he/she receive a threat, perceive a threat, or vicariously experience a threat; it is as life shattering as being harmed.   A simple threat can accelerate an individual’s desire to find a place of safety and care.  “Keeping a child in a constant state of fear is abuse…” (Blue, 2012, Online) If a child fears being spanked, and/or some other egregious form of punishment, then you create an environment of fear based parenting. 

Abuse is the intentional or the unintentional emotional fraying of another’s personhood.  It is emotional abuse that can have a dire impact upon a person’s self-esteem and the development of his/her personal ego. It is through this development of the ego that an individual gains an individualistic impression of his/her self-importance and his/her inner person.   

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*The views expressed by our authors are personal opinions and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CCPA

Personal Empowerment

Posted by: Asa Don Brown on August 30, 2013 2:52 pm
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“A strong man cannot help a weaker unless the weaker is willing to be helped, and even then the weak man must become strong of himself; he must, by his own efforts, develop the strength which he admires in another. None but himself can alter his condition.”                                                                                    ~ James Allen

We associate empowerment with the liberation of a group of people, race, creed, religious ideology or personal belief system.  Empowerment is the enabling of another person through the strengthening of their personal self-esteem and the development of their personal ego. It is through this development of the ego that an individual gains an individualistic impression of their self-importance and their inner self.   The empowerment of an individual should never come at the cost of another’s rights, freedoms, or liberties.  

EMPOWERMENT’S ORIGINATION

As children, our personal self-esteem, self-worth, and internal drive are enhanced by those who shape our being.  It is through the recognition of our personal goodness, abilities, talents, worth, and individuality that we gain a healthy sense of self.  When we are empowered, we are less willing and likely to be drug through the mud by another. 

Empowerment teaches us that we are worth more than the negativity that may be slung our way.  Even if, we are responsible for a negative deed, act, or event; it is through our own acceptance of  our roles in life that we maintain our personal empowerment.   It is the acceptance of our roles in life that we are living a life guided by personal responsibility.  Personal responsibility is the willingness to accept both the good and bad choices in life.   It is through personal responsibility that we accept the ownership for our lives.   

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*The views expressed by our authors are personal opinions and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CCPA

Sexualization of Children

Posted by: Asa Don Brown on December 14, 2012 1:59 pm
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Our society has become a cesspool of sexualization and the minimization of sexualization. The aim of sexualization is typically the commercialization of product or trade.  Sexualization goes beyond the borders of Hollywood and Bollywood.  Sexualization ensues the very fabric of our human collective consciousness.  It has become acceptable to see a young girl or boy dressed in unacceptable clothing.  A societal challenge occurs when we try to define acceptable verses unacceptable.  What is appropriate clothing verses inappropriate?  Who do we choose to define what sexualization is and is not?  Who do we appoint to mandate such a form of appropriateness?  Who do we appoint the guardian of our children? Finally, is sexualization an issue or are we trying to fuel a fire that has no kindling?

SEXUALIZATION DEFINED

Defining a healthy form of sexualization verses an unhealthy form of sexualization is a difficult challenge.  “There are several components to sexualization, and these set it apart from healthy sexuality. (Negative) Sexualization occurs when 

  1. a person’s value comes only from his or her sexual appeal or behavior, to the exclusion of other characteristics;
  2. a person is held to a standard that equates physical attractiveness (narrowly defined) with being sexy;
  3. a person is sexually objectified — that is, made into a thing for others’ sexual use, rather than seen as a person with the capacity for independent action and decision making; and/or
  4. sexuality is inappropriately imposed upon a person.” (APA, 2012, Online)

What is a healthy form of sexualization?  Is there such a form?  Is all sexualization inappropriate and unbecoming of our humanity?  When we speak of a healthy sexualization, we are speaking of the awareness and clarification of one’s sex and sexuality.   “It can be hard to acknowledge that all of us, even children, are sexual beings, have sexual feelings and are curious about sex and sexuality. Children’s curiosity can lead to exploring their own and each other’s body parts by looking and touching.” (StopItNow, 2012, Online)

A child’s personal development is a part of their sexualization.  Learning who they are, why they think, do, and behave in particular ways is core to their development.  A child’s sexual development should be encouraged from a healthy perspective.   A child should never be made a symbol of an unhealthy perspective.  Children should never be forced to engage in inappropriate sexual conduct.  They should never be made to wear clothing that is risque or revealing of their youthful innocent. 

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*The views expressed by our authors are personal opinions and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CCPA

Why do we give more thought to what brand of jeans to buy than a career plan?

Posted by: Mark Franklin on December 5, 2012 2:58 pm
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“Too many of the young and jobless have given more thought to what brand of jeans to buy than their career plan,” writes Neil Sandell in an article entitled Career education lacking in Canada  in the Atkinson Series on youth unemployment published in the Toronto Star.

It’s not just youth who suffer from lack of career clarification; adults too lack career clarity. We spend 100,000 hours in our careers, so why do we invest so little time – some estimates put it at less than 20 hours for the average Canadian – in focused career planning and exploration?

Sandell says that, for youth, the problem is a combination of unhelpful advice from parents, patchy career education, lack of career exploration experience, among other factors. You can hear more in my interview with Neil Sandell on Career Buzz.

From my perspective leading a busy career management social enterprise, CareerCycles, serving individual clients of all ages and stages, it’s a mess out there. Career management is arguably the most important 21st century skill, and yet the vast majority of Canadians don’t possess a high enough level of that skill, don’t realize they can learn it, and don’t know where to turn.

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*The views expressed by our authors are personal opinions and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CCPA

Conversations Concerning Sex and Sexuality

Posted by: Asa Don Brown on November 28, 2012 2:56 pm
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The mind of a child is a precious thing.  Parents frequently struggle with knowing when, why, and how to discuss sex and sexuality with their child.  Parents may have a wide range of questions themselves pertaining to the timing, the nature, and appropriateness of such conversations.    

  • When is it appropriate to discuss sex and sexuality with a child? 
  • Should a parent inform a child of sexual acts?  Or, should a child learn about sexual relationship on his / her own? 
  • How old should a child be when he / she learn of sexual relationships?
  • Is it ever appropriate to discuss sex with your child? 
  • Should the mother or father discuss the sex and sexuality with their child? Or both?
  • When is it not appropriate to converse about sex and sexuality?
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*The views expressed by our authors are personal opinions and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CCPA

Child Favoritism

Posted by: Asa Don Brown on November 19, 2012 1:21 pm
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What is favoritism? Favoritism in simple, is the intentional or unintentional preferential treatment of an individual or group of persons.  Parents who favor one child over another, are subscribing to the notion that one child is better behaved, more attractive, similar in personality to the favoring parent, or they have preferred kinship.  

Favoritism is commonly associated with a bond that develops between the child and the parent.   Moreover, the favoring parent may have a guilt, remorse, or negative emotion associated with the unfavored child.   In some cases, a detachment occurs because of some major traumatic event or a major life challenge.   Such cases can breach the bond between the parent and child.   If a child is conceived unexpectedly or without a desire, the parent may withdraw emotionally, cognitively, and physically from the child.  Children who are born with physical birth defects, psychological or psychiatric challenges, or a comorbidity of issues simultaneously, can prove burdensome to the oppositional or unattached parent.  

Favoritism is not always intentional.  Favoritism can occur when a child favors or resembles a parent whether physically or through a particular personality style.  Moreover, favoritism is not always related  to a resemblance of a parental figure, rather it is a fondness established between a parent and a child.  In some cases, if a child is too much alike the parental figure, then this too may cause a rift between the parent and child.   The parent may ultimately see qualities in the child that they dislike or distain.  The heart of the matter is such parents want ease and comfortability.  

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*The views expressed by our authors are personal opinions and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CCPA

The Psychology of Halloween

Posted by: Asa Don Brown on October 31, 2012 3:58 pm
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“If human beings had genuine courage, they’d wear their costumes every day of the year, not just on Halloween.”
                                                                                                       ~ Doug Coupland

The Psychology of Halloween has long been debated because of the terror associated with the holiday.  Halloween has indeed a twofold agenda:  freighting and terrorizing, as well as, playful and fantasy. 

THE FEARS ASSOCIATED WITH HALLOWEEN

Halloween injects the greatest fears associated with humanity into our lives.  From Hollywood to Bollywood, you can view films associated with Halloween.  Halloween grabs hold of the internal frailty of our minds.  It perpetuates the unknown, the undetermined, and the mysteries sometimes involved with life.

Be cautious to moderate your child’s intake of “scary” movies and “scary” novels.  Children can find it difficult to differentiate between fantasy and reality. As parents, we should monitor every single source of conditioning that influence our children. 

While Halloween is known for instilling fear, it does not have to feed into our fears.  It can be a holiday that proves a source of fun, fantasy, and imagination.  For children, it is important to help  develop a healthy imagination filled with creativity and adventure. 

“Dr. Gene Beresin, Director of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry Training, Massachusetts General …  Kids love Halloween, and it should not be denied… It is celebrated in schools, at parties, and is looked forward to all year. To deny this, would be a major deprivation, and could even reinforce that something so horrible is happening, that we need to change our ‘business as usual.’ …Halloween is viewed as a party, as a time to dress up, and most importantly, a way for kids to allay fears of ghosts, goblins and supernatural events. It is much akin to playing. We would not want our younger kids to stop playing, since they work out most of their fears through this means.” (ABCNews, 2012, Online)

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*The views expressed by our authors are personal opinions and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CCPA

Bullying

Posted by: Asa Don Brown on October 24, 2012 11:22 am
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Bullying is in simple; hate or loathing of one’s self or life projected upon the life of another.   Rarely have I had a patient / client who bullied that felt “good” about his/her bullying.  If so, I found that this individual had such an unawareness of his/her own person that the “goodness” being experienced was a perverted happiness rather than a real joy or adulation. 

The grave effect of bullying in our youth lasts long into adulthood.  Bullying acts as a cancer of the mind, soul, and spirit.   It is one of the greatest depravities of the human condition.  Bullying corrupts not only the mind, thoughts, and spirits of its intended victims, but moreover, it has an equally dire effect on the perpetrator enacting it. 

Bullies are neither happy nor content with their lives.   Bullies are reconciled that “life” will not improve, thus there is an awkward sort of coexistence between the bullies and their instrument of hate.  Bullies are most certainly victims themselves. 

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*The views expressed by our authors are personal opinions and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CCPA