When Family Ties Are Too Tight

Posted by: Farah Lodi on March 13, 2015 8:23 am

These days I’m working with several clients from collectivist family -oriented cultures. For them, the importance of family values translates into extended family having the same power, influence, rights and responsibilities as nuclear family. When family ties are harmonious then kinship is an excellent source of support and security. But when there’s conflict in the clan, then inter-personal relationships can be harder to navigate because of demanding relatives. Usually these are enmeshed relationships in a very large family unit. It’s like there’s a fire burning in your living room, where everyone congregates. You can’t escape it, you are trapped, and you feel the heat no matter what.

For clients with this world view, a family feud centered around a distant uncle can have the same distressing effect as conflict with a spouse or brother. These clients may rely on external validation from family, have weak personal boundary strength, and easily “catch” emotions from others. The rights that one accords to parents, spouse and siblings are linked to a much wider circle of people. Stressful situations with an aunt, sister-in-law or even cousin who culturally qualify as near and dear- can lead to psychological issues for whoever is at the receiving end of demands, criticism or complaints. Hyper- arousal and elevated cortisol levels can be as easily triggered by distant relatives, as by immediate family. This can activate automatic negative thoughts of “I’m not good enough” with core beliefs emphasizing that “family should come first”. When there’s a lot of trouble the realization that “my family is not happy or normal” can result in unhealthy comparisons, feelings of helplessness and insecurity. In many cultures, when there’s strife in the family, this is a source of shame. These clients then have to deal with guilt and self-worth issues.

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*The views expressed by our authors are personal opinions and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CCPA

Rejection Risk Awareness

Posted by: Priya Senroy on March 12, 2015 12:16 pm

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February 2015 is a month of many celebration-cultural, mythical and social. I attended an event organized by a local youth group on deconstructing February and demystifying valentine day. I found the concept fascinating and learned that certain days in February are surrounded by folklore, such as the 16th, which supposedly is the day of the Devil’s Dance. On this day, a sorcerer of Tibet was called upon to exorcise demons and evil spirits from the local population. Those Aquarius’s born on this day are said to posses great courage as a result. On the 12th of the month, Diana, the Roman goddess of hunt, was said to spread her protection from the forests near Aricia (her shrine) to all over the world. The event which was held the week prior to Valentine’s Day is called “National Dump Your Significant Jerk Week”, so that one may get rid of their own bad relationship and have a new Valentine. February 7 – 14 is “Rejection Risk Awareness Week”, to raise awareness of social rejection through dating. Apparently this event was founded by syndicated advice columnist Harlen Cohen, to help people know that they are not alone when being rejected for love. R.A.W. is not about getting rejected. It’s about overcoming the fear of rejection and taking the risk that leads to love.

I have used this concept of Rejection Risk Awareness with my youth group from various diverse backgrounds and cultural groups and find that no matter what the language of love is in no matter how many languages, effects of rejection can be spoken under one universal language and when this rejection is addressed as a group and proceed as a group, the healing is more powerful than celebrating love. So as we celebrate February as a month of mystery, mythology, and romance, lets get our fill of all three before its short span is over with.

*The views expressed by our authors are personal opinions and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CCPA

Happy February!!!

Posted by: Priya Senroy on March 11, 2015 2:05 pm

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Canada has been frigid, its cities and towns had to be dug out couple of times and no one cares what the ground hog thinks!!!!! Nothing seems to warm the cockles of the heart- except perhaps the love and the despairs which might have poured in and around Valentine ’s Day. I seem to see an upsurge of clients reaching out to remember their broken hearts than to celebrate them. I am nota grief therapist but have enough life experience to be able to share the broken heart dialogue and like many of my client ,from time to time also have delved into some deep soul searching reflections as they dig up lost loves and bury them at the same time. Like any other physical ailment which might require a specialist, when one faces loss of any complexity from minor to profound, one needs a skilled counsellor to help navigate the way through, and eventually out of, the deep abyss that is left in the path of most critical of all wounds….that of a broken heart. I read somewhere that the application of Creative Arts Therapy is as broad as is human suffering. The creative gift is a healing gift – a natural and gentle way of restoring broken hearts. Our confidence in this medium is based on its universality and creativity.. The arts form an essential element of our experience. People all over the world tell stories, dance and act, sing and draw. This medium combines the innate capacity for creative expression with a variety of psychological theoretical models from around the world. So true and as I continue to use this medium to self heal and self counsel, I find its reach having profound effects on my clients, so yes the heart is broken but from the fire rises the phoenix and from the broken heart , the despair and the pain rises the transformation and the choice to change things for good.

*The views expressed by our authors are personal opinions and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CCPA

MOT: SLCHG Pilot Project – “Out With the Old In With the New” [1]

Posted by: Linda AK Thompson on February 26, 2015 1:04 pm

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According to the old saying [native speaking], the traditional idiom, “Out with the old in with the new” is said around new years implying change, a letting go of the past with a natural understanding that what one faces in the current concept at hand has no rational explanation nor reference to belonging or material things. I know and totally get this idiom!

Transitioning out of the “regulated” helping professions and into a small practice in preparation for retirement, one’s golden oldie years, is an interesting shift. Reflecting upon one’s lifetime career, as I have been doing for the past two years is also an interesting process. I find myself recalling poignant words received from teacher’s throughout my 5 decades of service within the helping professions.

There have been no posts from me concerning trauma counselling and my last two posts: Collaborating and Simply Holding Healing Spaces. Much has transpired for me and I have been listening, consulting and contemplating, quite deeply this past 9 months, which is metaphorically the ideal time-span for delivery and birth of a new life. I did start this article back in September 2014 and have revised it many times, however, I am unable to achieve clarity on the contents, so I believe it is best to simply let it go and move on to my new year, focus, projects and service.

I am trying to find a photo of me from 1965, and as soon as I do I will begin to recall and reflect upon my teacher’s words and my career path, however most importantly, I do want to share with you how I am going to celebrate this professional milestone. It was suggested to me that perhaps, my career story might be an interest post.

Author: Linda AK Thompson, CCC Healing Trauma, Exit + Grief Counsellor
Owner, Matrix of Trauma (© MOT ™): Research, Advocacy, Healing

References:

www.usingenglish.com

*The views expressed by our authors are personal opinions and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CCPA

Be a Lifeguard, Not a Lifesaver: The Benefits of Avoiding Rescuing Behaviours

Posted by: Anna Coutts on February 24, 2015 3:31 pm

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It’s hard to not be a rescuer. Very few parents, therapists or generally empathetic people I know can stand idly by and watch someone they love drowning in emotional pain, getting choked by waves of sadness, anxiety or shame. It’s not to say that rescuing is a bad thing- saving someone from a painful struggle is absolutely necessary sometimes.

Unfortunately, however, it’s easy to get trapped in a rescuer role that eventually puts both of you at risk. I see parents getting caught in this trap all the time in my work with youth dealing with complex mental health issues. Parents witness their child’s emotional turmoil and bend over backwards to find a way to dive in and save them from suffering. Who can blame them? No one wants to see their child in pain and every parent wants to protect their child.

The problem with rescuing is that while it provides immediate relief, it doesn’t yield long-term results. It dis-empowers the person being rescued and they never learn how to swim. Instead, you get caught in an infinite loop, as they become reliant on you to rescue them over and over again. Even the healthiest lifesaver, the strongest swimmer, can only pull someone safely to shore so many times before they too become exhausted and are unable to keep their head above water. Not only can this lead the person rescuing to struggle to stay afloat themselves, it can breed resentment. How many times can you rescue someone before you get frustrated with them for always jumping in? It can also stir up negative feelings for the person being rescued. They may begin to see themselves as a helpless victim and feel ashamed or angry that they always need someone to help them get to shore.

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*The views expressed by our authors are personal opinions and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CCPA

Avoid Being the Career Frog Boiling in the Water

Posted by: Mark Franklin on February 19, 2015 4:25 pm

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“My inner voice was speaking loudly saying, ‘you don’t want to do this for the rest of your life,'” Kate Hilton told Career Buzz listeners (Jan. 7, 2015). She realized leaving her law career “would become more and more difficult. I didn’t want to be the frog boiling in the water.”

Kate’s working identity was becoming more ingrained, so she quit the firm, leaving a trail of “startled” co-workers, friends and family. What was she going to do next? “My strategy was, I don’t actually know what I want to do. I know what I don’t want to do. And I have this excellent package of skills that are transferable. I’m an excellent writer and public speaker,” and she’d even won a national trial competition.

So, Kate told “every single person I knew that I’m making a career change, and I don’t know what it’s going to be.” She asked them to set up meetings with “anyone you think I ought to meet.” Kate helped them to help her by naming a few areas of interest: “public relations, communications, project management, writing.” One of those meetings turned into an informal job interview which led directly to Kate’s next career, “where I worked for 13 years.”

How do the clues apply to you? Kate’s career evolved because she intentionally explored possibilities of interest through inspired ‘field research’ meetings. She did no online job searching. Take a page out of Kate’s playbook and use a more effective, proactive and empowering approach of ‘intentional exploration’ rather than relying exclusively on posted jobs. See how Kate’s career has evolved one more time, as a successful novelist.

Hear the whole interview also featuring Michael Kerman on blending his interest in travel with his career in human services resulting in his people-to-people trips to Cuba.

*The views expressed by our authors are personal opinions and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CCPA

Family Tree: an Oak Tree or a Cactus?

Posted by: Farah Lodi on February 11, 2015 12:10 pm

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There are many things that influence our well-being, but family culture is one of the most important factors determining mental and emotional health. The protective factor of having close family nearby to help you, to give advice, to guide or even to set you right, can be like an oak tree: solid, comforting and shady with deep roots that help keep you anchored. Sometimes it can be grandma’s understanding nod or smile, a sibling’s moral support or a parent’s quiet presence that helps you stay psychologically hardy. Turning towards loving family can be a buffer when facing difficult life situations and sometimes an effective enough alternative to psychotropic medications. The latest research on addictions treatment also points to strong family support as an indicator for successful rehab therapy, over-riding the significance of chemical hooks. People who enjoy this extra cushioning stay resilient and don’t need counselling.

On the other hand, sometimes living close to family can be emotionally taxing as boundaries are crossed (or never even established), and autonomy and independence may be hard to uphold. Relationships can become rigid and dry; managing family interactions can be like scaling the thorny, hollow limbs of a cactus tree. The sting of a perfectionist parent’s demanding expectations or a narcissistic spouse can result in feelings of low self-worth, unmanageable stress, anxiety and depression. Childhood emotional neglect causes long-term feelings of emptiness, an inability to prioritize one’s own needs, and shallow relationships. Many of my counselling clients present with these symptoms, and more than half the time they have to deal with deeply rooted family issues. When family values are embedded in a client’s worldview, internal feelings of self-loathing, blame and shame add layers to the problem, while clients from an individualistic culture often find it easier to detach and move on when faced with family conflict.

Family can be a stabilizing or a destructive factor. When clients talk about their oak tree, I invite family members to the session and involve them in counselling strategies – this usually helps. And when the client’s problem is aggravated by a cactus, we look for alternative positive relationships and activities, with more emphasis on problem- solving and self-soothing skills. The course of therapy and treatment planning is determined by whether the family is protective like an oak tree or thorny like a cactus.

*The views expressed by our authors are personal opinions and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CCPA

A Fight to the End!

Posted by: Bhavna Verma on February 11, 2015 12:06 pm

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I’m breaking out. Pimples galore- small ones, big ones, very angry red ones, shy white head ones, and everything else in between. I’m not happy! Something’s going on internally for my face to break out like this. There’s no winning. It’s a constant battle. I pop one, another appears. The one that I thought I popped and cleaned out completely then comes back with a vengeance. And so the weeks continue in this order; feel a pimple from under the skin, begin face wash routine, it comes to the surface, eventually pops, and then another arises. The strategy that I’ve taken on is one that is managing the pimples as they come up, and not a proactive one to ensure they don’t come up at all. One day, after pointing to a pimple that I thought I had popped, but really came back bigger and angrier, my boyfriend finally said, “These are stress pimples”. He was right, I wasn’t denying that. He was referring to both my work and home life stress. As supportive as he is, he understands that there are only so many ways he can be helpful and the rest is on me. Work and personal life stress were accumulating and both began to bleed into each other. I was struggling with the boundaries. Became very emotional, struggled to get through the day without breaking down into tears, started getting very snippy with those I loved and the pimples were showing no signs of retreat! I needed a new strategy! I began by breaking down the causes of distress into a pie chart; the bigger the slice, the more priority. Then I decided on which slice I would like to metaphorically eat first. I started with the smaller slices. Some slices required more processing than others, but as the weeks went on, I began to notice the pie was no longer whole, but had a couple of slices left. These slices have now become common every day struggles, you know, like what to have for dinner, or what outfit will I wear? When I began to dismiss some of the stressors as unimportant and took away its power to ally with my enemy, the pimples, the pimple army also seemed to diffuse. Now, I’m left with battle scars on my face. At the end, I’m the one that is still standing and smiling, wearing my scars proudly. By working to solve a problem only as it is happening can be progressive for a short period of time. We need to be proactive in order to ensure that the problem doesn’t come back at all, and if it does, nip it in the bud before it becomes an army of pimples.

By Bhavna Verma

*The views expressed by our authors are personal opinions and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CCPA

How Side Projects Became Mike’s Next Career

Posted by: Mark Franklin on January 30, 2015 10:16 am

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“On the road there’s a lot of off time,” former touring-musician, Mike Kirsh, told Career Buzz listeners (Dec. 31, 2014), and that’s when his side projects began to fill the gap. After shooting video during the day, Mike, the bass player, said, “I picked up the camera and just started editing on the bus. I’d create whatever I wanted like a fun little tour blog.”

When his band, The Midway State, folded, Mike said he worked productively with a career counsellor who helped him intentionally explore video editing as a career possibility. A ‘field research’ meeting with a contact led to a first contract with Lightbox Video where Mike is now happily employed on the SessionsX series. How do the clues apply to you? The seeds of your next career move are likely already planted — in your side projects. Mike said, “I didn’t think I could make a career out of my hobby,” but he did. Look at your side projects — whether it’s knitting or kite boarding or cycling or gaming — and ask yourself, ‘What are the clues in this activity that may lead me in new directions?’ Then, take inspired action and follow the clues!

Hear the whole interview also featuring Sean Fitzpatrick on the three kinds of employee engagement, and Wendy Woods on emotional intelligence in the workplace.

Need help moving in new directions in 2015 for you or someone you care about? Get started with an exploratory consultation! Tell Jennifer you read this edition of Watch for Clues and save 20 bucks on an exploratory consultation that you book in January.

*The views expressed by our authors are personal opinions and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CCPA

The Culture of Happiness

Posted by: Farah Lodi on January 23, 2015 1:01 pm

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I recently had an interesting conversation with a young client from Bhutan, which is a small country in the Himalayan mountains bordering India and China. In Bhutan the government measures prosperity- not through the GDP (gross domestic product) like most of the world, but through GNP: Gross National Happiness. 33 indicators which are classified under 9 main domains, are used to come up with a single number which measures the peoples’ gross national happiness. Data is gathered through questionnaires. These domains are: psychological wellbeing, use of time, health, cultural diversity, education, good governance, ecological balance, community vitality and living standards. To sum it up, a combination of these factors measures life satisfaction. Each year the government, non-governmental organizations and businesses strive to increase the measure of a good life, through policy changes and new initiatives. One such simple initiative is a common road sign seen on the many beautiful mountainous roads – no it’s not about speed limit but rather: “life is a journey……complete it!”

Interestingly, but not surprisingly, the GNP index in Bhutan started dropping sharply in 1999 – the year when TV was first introduced in this country. More recently, the use of technologies such as smart phones and computers has also been linked to a drop in the national happiness index. People who for centuries followed traditional, collectivist and spiritual Buddhist values (such as nurturing real relationships, modeling respect, and actively practicing patience and gratitude) were now plugged in like the rest of the world – to influences that very often degrade the above mentioned core values. The result has been people reprogramming themselves to needing instant gratification and stimulation, leading to a state of being that is not in harmony with nature, but rather disconnected from it.

The 9 domains used to measure happiness in Bhutan remind me of positive psychologist Martin Seligman’s model of wellbeing: PERMA. His five factors for happiness were positive emotions, engagement in life, relationships that are authentic, meaning in life, and accomplishment. If we have a balance of these going on in our lives, then chances are we will be happier. My client wholeheartedly embraces this. After finishing grad school he plans to return to Bhutan (along with a high percentage of his peers), even though salaries are considerably lower there. Why? Simply because psychological wellbeing is more valuable than material wealth.

*The views expressed by our authors are personal opinions and do not necessarily reflect the views of the CCPA